A parody of sorts
by Deranged Little Monkey
Summary: The tragic tale of Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee. Mary Sues and excessive OOC. Note: If you don't get it, read 'My Immortal' or 'Ghost of You'. If you still don't get it, look up the word parody.
1. It Begins

Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee stood on platform 9 ¾, a cloud of gloom hanging around her because she was so damn goth. She wore a red corset top laced very tightly, a black skirt so short it was often mistaken for a belt, and huge combat boots so heavy she could barely lift her feet. She had on so much makeup it was nearly impossible to distinguish her facial features. She was obviously very pretty, though, and had curves in all the right places. Her hair was jet black with rainbow streaks and was all the way down to her unnaturally tiny waist.

After standing around and looking cool for an adequate amount of time, she boarded the train. As she walked, Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee slightly regretted wearing her leather thong, as it chafed horribly. Oh well. It was painful being a true goth. She passed some random people and flicked them all off. They all gasped and fainted because they were preps and had never seen the middle finger before.

She found a suitably empty compartment and made herself comfortable, pulling out her iPod and listening to the incredibly goth band Good Charlotte.

Just then Ginny Weasely entered. She had gotten a makeover during the summer and now had blood-red hair and wore a black tube top and black leather pants, as well as mass amounts of black eyeliner and red lipstick. She had also changed her name to Raven Schizophrenia because she was goth now.

"Hi, Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee!" said Raven cheerfully in a depressed voice as she sat down. They were best friends, even though Raven hadn't been goth last year and Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee hated anyone who wasn't goth.

Harry and Ron soon followed. They had also gotten makeovers and had black hair and wore lots of tight leather clothes. Between them, they had at least five dead cows on. Both now looked exactly like Gerard Way (apparently they had gotten plastic surgery as well as new clothes). They also had on eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, lipstick, lip liner, blush, and foundation. In fact, they had more makeup on than either of the girls. Ron had changed his name to Diablo and Harry was now called Doom. They greeted the two girls gloomily and sat down.

They talked about how much they hated Hillary Duff and Britney Spears and stupid preps who liked them. Suddenly Diablo said, "GASP!"

Doom looked at him strangely. "Did you just say gasp?" he asked, then saw what had shocked Diablo and actually gasped. In the door of the compartment stood Hermione Granger, who had gotten an extreme makeover and was now the hottest girl in Hogwarts. She had straight black hair and wore a bra as a top and had a leopard-print mini skirt. She had a lot of makeup on as well. "Hi everybody." She said in a sultry voice as she stuck out her chest to show off her new implants. "I am now Head Girl. I'm also the Sexiest Girl on Campus and plan to live up to that title by failing all my classes and sleeping around."

"Oh, Hermione, I'm so proud of you!!" squealed Raven.

"Yeah, that's great!" added Diablo enthusiastically.

Crookshanks, Hermione's cat, entered. He, too, had gotten a makeover. He was now a sleek, black cat named Raul and spoke with a Spanish accent and wore cologne. "Meow," he said sexily before falling asleep in Raven's lap.

Draco Malfoy and his henchmen, Vincent Crabbes and Gregory Goyle, sauntered in. They looked exactly the same as they always had, but Draco was now somehow a sex god. "Wow, you all look kuwaii!" exclaimed Draco, forgetting that he hated these people and that he didn't know what kuwaii meant. He assumed it was Japanese and meant something good. He glanced at Hermione and promptly fell in love. "I don't know who you are, but I want you. I mean, I want to marry you!" He shouted.

Luna Lovejoy chose that particular moment to walk in. It was getting incredibly crowded in the small compartment at this point. She wore all pink and had blonde hair. "Hi!!" she said happily. Everyone started screaming profanities at her and waving their middle fingers until she ran away crying.

"Like, Oh-Emm-Gee, she is, like, such a prep!" said Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee in an emo valley-girl voice.

"Like, omigosh, totally!" agreed Doom.


	2. Enter Irrelevant Song Title Here

Then for no apparent reason everyone was in the great hall. They were all in Slytherin now because all the cool gothic people were in Slytherin, and they were all cool gothic people. Neville Longbottom was in Slytherin, too. Neville had been bitten by a vampire over the summer and as a result had dyed his hair black and started wearing black clothes and changed his name to Vampire. He had on mass amounts of eyeliner that flaked off every time he blinked. He was also incredibly good-looking for no explainable reason.

"The new Head Girl is Hermione Granger." announced Dumbledore. "And the new Head Boy is…" he paused dramatically. "….."

Everyone held their breath.

"……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………"

Luna Lovegood passed out.

"…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..…………………………………………………"

"…….…Draco Malfoy!"

Hermione shrieked.

Dumbledore continued, "You two are now exempt from all the rules, especially the dress code, and now share a room. And a bed."

Hermione and Draco started screaming and cursing at each other. When they finally paused for breath, they realized they felt a strange attraction towards the other and immediately started violating each other in unspeakable ways.

Dumbledore kept talking, but no one in Slytherin listened to him because he was a poser. They knew he was a poser because wore hot-pink lacey underwear under his black leather clothes and listened to Ashley Simpson. How they knew about his underwear was a question no one dared ask.

Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee took this time to educate some gothic first years. "Good Charlotte, My Chemical Romance, Simple Plan, Greenday, Marilyn Manson, Evanescence, and Avril Lavigne are goth. Only goths listen to them." She informed them. "Preps listen to Hillary Duff, Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Ashley Simpson, and Lindsey Lohan. Posers like prep music but pretend to like goth music, like Dumbledore." she said, glaring at the headmaster, who was still talking.

"What about other music?" inquired one puzzled listener.

"DON'T BE STUPID!!! THERE IS NO OTHER MUSIC, YOU EFFING POSER!!!!" she shrieked, waving her middle finger in his face. "GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU SMELLY LITTLE PREP!!!"

Doom stared at Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee, not because he thought she was crazy, but because she was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. Or, at least, he assumed she was beautiful. He couldn't see her face under all the layers of makeup. Many other boys (and a few girls) were thinking the exact same thing as they stared adoringly at the hysterical, shrieking seductress with her middle finger displayed in an obvious demonstration of rebellion and nonconformity.

The object of Doom's affections eventually calmed down and noticed the adoring looks she was receiving. She smiled seductively at Doom, who had completely forgotten his love for Ginny Wea- er, Raven. Apparently Raven had forgotten too, because she was currently sitting in the lap of Blaise Zambini, who had also gone goth and developed a liking for tight leather pants that summer. In fact, Blaise was the one who had given Raven a makeover and introduced her to muggle music, despite the fact that he was pureblood and had no way of knowing about muggle fashion and muggle music.

Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee flipped her hair over one shoulder and giggled flirtatiously, her gorgeousness causing Doom to faint. "Oops," she muttered to herself, then started crying tears of blood because her ravishing beauty was a curse and she just wanted to be ugly like everyone else.

"Um…I think you should go to the infirmary." said Vampire. "Your eyes are bleeding."


	3. It Just Keeps Going

Suddenly it was the next day. Everyone in Slytherin had been sleeping in coffins because they were all goth. Some of them were vampires, too. Vampires were not only allowed on campus, but allowed to suck the blood of anyone they wanted, with or without the victim's consent. They were allowed to kill people as well. Nobody minded at all because that sort of thing is perfectly acceptable among wizards.

Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee climbed out of her coffin, which was pink even though she hated the color and everyone associated with it. She spent an hour trying to squeeze into her tight leather clothes and another 3 hours putting on her makeup. When she was finally presentable, she went down to the great hall and joined Doom, Diablo, Raven, and Vampire. They were all eating Count Chocula cereal with human blood instead of milk. The blood was because they all happened to be vampires, except with none of the bothersome side effects like aversions to sun and holy water, and had only a slight craving for blood now and then. They had Count Chocula because that's the most hardcore goth cereal ever; only real goths can handle eating it.

Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee screamed at some random Gryffindor girls wearing pink hair ribbons and waved her middle finger around wildly, then calmly sat down and ate her blood and Chocula as if nothing had happened.

Hermione Granger entered the room holding hands with Draco Malfoy. Everyone turned and stared at them because they were the most beautiful people on the entire planet (except for Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee, of course) and because everyone had thought that they hated each other. Hermione, wearing tight black pants and an even tighter pink halter top, flipped her amazing golden hair over her shoulder and smiled dazzlingly at a group of boys, who giggled and swooned as she passed. Then Hermione sat in Draco's lap, despite the fact that he was standing up, and they began a round of tonsil hockey. People within thirty feet of them pulled out umbrellas to shield themselves from the rain of saliva the couple produced.

Back at the Slytherin table, Doom exclaimed, "Hey, let's make a porn video!" The girls squealed delightedly and the three of them ran upstairs to make it, followed closely by Diablo and Vampire. They got a video camera and set everything up, then remembered that they were all virgins and had no idea what to do. Abandoning that project, they instead got their instruments and practiced mutilating songs of famous bands. The five of them were in a band called Bloody Gothic Demons of Heck. Vampire played the drums, Diablo played bass, Raven and Doom played guitar, and Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee sang. She had an amazing voice and had never in her entire life hit a wrong note. She could play every other instrument in the band perfectly and was giving the rest of the band members lessons. All the band's songs (the ones they didn't rip off from other artists) were written by her.

After an hour of practicing they all decided to take a break. As they sat around sipping blood, Diablo said casually, "Oy, there's a concert in Hogsmead tonight. (Enter band name here) is playing. Want to go?"

Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee screamed and started foaming at the mouth. "Omigosh omigosh omigosh!" she squealed, then started screaming again. "I love (Enter band name here)!" she gasped out when she finished screaming 20 minutes later. Doom stared at her dreamily. He'd never felt so in love.

Raven gasped. "We have to get ready!" she squealed. "We can go buy new clothes at the Hot Topic that recently opened in Hogsmead even though Hot Topic is an American muggle store and Hogsmead is an all wizard and witch town in England!"

"Hot Topic is, like, the most gothic store ever!" squealed Diablo. In a manly way, of course.


	4. Plot Twist

A/N: Chapter four is a bit longer than the rest...

Be sure to read to then end, or you'll miss Harry/Doom's rant. It's my favorite part in the entire story.

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Doom, Diablo, Raven, Vampire, and Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee entered Hot Topic, squealing and screaming at every item of clothing they saw.

They started trying on clothes. Raven slinked out of a dressing room wearing an outfit almost identical to the one she had put on that morning. "How do I look?"

"Gorgeous," exclaimed Vampire. "Though still not as good as Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee looks on a bad day." Everyone, including Raven, nodded in agreement.

As they spoke, the freakishly beautiful girl was getting very frustrated with the clothes she tried on. It was amazing that she managed to find any clothes at all that would fit someone of her proportions. She was extremely skinny; in fact, any other girl that thin would not be considered even slightly attractive. But she was the exception. She also had boobs so large, she was defying gravity simply by standing upright and not falling over.

Luna Lovegood entered the store with a group of blonde girls all dressed in matching pink outfits. "Oh my," she said with a frown, she and her entourage looking disapprovingly at the merchandise.

The store clerk went up to them quietly. He stood silently behind them for a moment, then suddenly screamed, "GET OUT, PREPS!!!"

The pink-clad group squealed and ran away.

"You hate preps and posers, too?" said Raven, trying not to swoon.

"Yeah, I hate them 'cause I'm a real goth!" he exclaimed.

Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee batted her eyelashes at him. "My name's Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee." she purred.

He grinned. "I'm Tom Riddle."

They flirted for a while. Then Tom asked, "Hey, are you going to the concert tonight?"

"Of course! –_Enter Band Name Here_- is my favorite band in the whole world!" she said, foaming slightly at the mouth.

"Great. Maybe I'll see you there." he said casually.

"OMG, you sick pervert!" she shrieked. "I'm going with my boyfriend, you demented freak!" she grabbed Doom and violently yanked him towards her as she said this. He didn't seem to mind. Then, before Tom Riddle could say anything else, she turned on her heel and stormed out haughtily.

"Did you see that? He was totally begging you for a date! He was, like, on his knees!" Raven giggled.

"Well, it's no wonder." replied Diablo. "Ebony is so beautiful. I've never seen anyone as pretty as her!"

Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee blushed. "I am very pretty, aren't I?" she pulled out a small mirror and admired her reflection.

Just then Hermione Granger came up to them, holding hands with a Slytherin boy named Montague. "Hey, everyone!" she called to the group.

"Hey, Mia!" said Diablo, using a nickname no one had ever called her for no apparent reason. "Where's Malfoy? I thought you two were a couple now."

Hermione ran a hand through her dark red curls. "We had an argument." She sighed. Then she pounced on Montague and the two of them proceeded to demonstrate public acts of indecency.

Just then Professor McGonagall came running up to the gothic group. "Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee! Quick! You must travel back in time and stop Voldemort from becoming evil! You're the only one who can save us!"

They all stared at her. "Could you repeat that, please?" Vampire asked after a moment. McGonagall did so. Then she said it a third time, because no one reacted.

"Wait," said Doom, absently rubbing at the scar on his forehead. "You're capable of traveling that far back in time?"

"Yes," answered the teacher.

"Then why haven't you sent Dumbledore back to fight Voldemort before he became so powerful? Or at least stopped him from, you know, butchering my parents?"

A sinister voice from behind them answered. "Because Dumbledore's a poser and only Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee is hardcore enough to save us all."

Everyone turned around and found themselves facing Professor Snape, who was wearing white foundation, red lipstick, and black eyeliner. Raven fainted. She had a huge, gothic crush on the potions instructor and could never stay conscious in his presence. He was also their favorite teacher because he was the only true goth on the teaching staff besides Trelawny.

Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee stood up straight and put a brave look on her face. "What must I do?"

"You must seduce the Dark Lord." Snape told her.

There was a long, awkward moment of silence. "I'm sorry. What did you just say?" Diablo asked in a puzzled tone.

"I said that she must seduce the Dark Lord Voldemort. If he's in love with her, she can control him."

Diablo was still confused. "I don't follow you."

As the professor attempted to explain the logic of this plan to the boy, Doom cried pathetically and clung to his beloved. "Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee, don't do this! I love you! Don't whore yourself off to some icky guy with an icky name!" he sobbed.

"I'm sorry, my love. It is what I must do." she said solemnly.

"I mean, honestly, _Voldemort_? It sounds like a type of fungus or…or some kind of STD!" Doom went on, not seeming to have heard his one true love address him. "Really, can you imagine it? I can just picture Hermione telling her friends that Draco gave her _Voldemort_, who got it from Gregory Goyle, who got it from Snape, who got it from Pansy Parkinson, who-"

"Doom!" she cut him off. "I have to do this! I am the only one who can stop Voldemort, even though you survived his attack and almost killed him before you could talk and a prophecy says you're destined to fight him. It's all about me now. So stop whining and worship me!"

"I'm sorry, my love," he sniffled. "I'm being selfish. I love you with all my heart. I'll just hang around and wait for you while you go fuck another man."

The girl smiled. "I love you too."


	5. The Final Chapter

**A/N**: This chapter is dedicated to all of those fanfic authors who don't know anything about anatomy. The events in this chapter were Carmen's idea, but I'm taking credit. If all your braincells die after you read this, please don't sue me. I'm warning you, no good can come of reading this. It's weird in a scary way.

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Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee stood in front of a large portal that Snape had magically prepared. She wore a skimpy lace dress that was (of course) black. Doom stood behind her, crying. Diablo was still trying to figure out how all of this was possible, Raven was staring at Snape, and Hermione was in a nearby broom closet with Draco Malfoy.

Looking as graceful as she could possibly manage, Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee leapt forward and into the magical portal that would take her back in time. There was a loud bang and a blinding purple light, and both girl and portal vanished.

Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee found herself many years back in time and sprawled in a mud puddle in a very ungraceful manner. Squealing indignantly, she leapt up and frantically tried to get the mud out of her dress, squealing more when she realized that she was only spreading it.

"Um… Do you need help?" a voice inquired.

The girl whirled around to face the owner of said voice. He was a rather tall (and very attractive) boy of about seventeen years.

"Are you Tom Riddle?" asked Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee.

The boy paused. "…Erm, no, he's over there." He pointed to a figure standing in the shadow of a tree and glaring at anyone who came too close. She immediately approached the boy in what she hoped was a sultry fashion.

"Hey sailor," she purred.

"What?!"

"I said hello."

"Go away."

She blinked at him. "Are you Tom Riddle?"

"Yes. Why do you care?"

Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee cleared her throat. "I want to make love to you." she announced.

Tom Riddle stared at her. "Umm…what?"

She repeated herself.

He looked her over.

"Alright." He said after a moment. "Let's go to my dorm."

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Some time later, Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee returned to her own time. She was immediately pounced on and viciously embraced by a sobbing Harry Potter. I mean Doom. His name is Doom.

After fighting him off, a furious Professor Snape stormed up to her. "What the bloody hell did you do?" he screamed at her. "And why are there eight mini-Voldemorts running around?"

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I mean that Voldemort has children!" The man was almost hysterical.

Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee gasped. "Oh no!" she wailed. "He got pregnant!"

There was a long, awkward silence.

"What do you mean?" asked a very puzzled Raven.

"I seduced Voldemort like I was supposed to; he put his boy-thingy in my girl-place…"

"You were a virgin before today, weren't you?" Snape rolled his eyes in disgust.

"How did you know? Are you a mind reader?" Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee looked at her potions master in awe.

"Just finish the story."

"Well, we didn't use protection, so he must have gotten pregnant. With octuplets, apparently." She concluded.

"How?!" shouted everyone in the room (and Hermione and Draco from the closet).

Ebony Blood Rose Gothic Darkness Dementia Chlamydia Amy Lee wailed, "I thought he was a man!"

Silence filled the room.

"Wait a minute." said Diablo. "If Voldemort's a girl, and you got him, ah, _her_, pregnant, then that means you're a-"

He was cut off by Doom retching on his shoes.

_**THE END**_


End file.
